Theoretical Presidential Election: Khaled v. Trump

The Election America Needs

Guilty Pleasures | Luke Domask | April 7, 2016 SATIRE

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It’s evidently clear who the two biggest characters of 2016 are. And these two are truly characters. In one corner we have the man that has generated countless amounts of drunk arguments about politics, has made fun of wives, gotten into near fistfights with the media, and wants to pretty much get rid of Muslim-Americans in the United States.

He just also happens to be leading the GOP Primaries. Donald Trump.

In the other corner is the kind of underdog story of a man that people fall in love with. He was all but forgotten by the world, only to become the Prince of South Beach. He is synonymous with Snapchat stories, expensive shoes, rap albums and inspirational phrases.

DJ Khaled.

Together these two men have taken over social media and the mainstream in their own unique (and sometimes controversial) ways. One is running for President of the United States, the other is just on his own journey of more success.

It’s only right we pit these two together to see who should really be the next president.

To the tale of the tape.

Experience in Politics

  • Trump: None
  • DJ Khaled: None

Net worth (According to Forbes)

  • Trump:
    • $4.5 Billion (Real Estate and Television)
  • DJ Khaled:
    • $16 million (Producer, DJ, Entrepreneur, Ciroc enthusiast)

Most Famous For

  • Trump:
    • The Apprentice, Celebrity Apprentice, New York Real Estate, Reality TV, being a douche, GOP Presidential candidate
  • DJ Khaled:
    • Snapchat, Owning an incredible shoe collection (and closet), DJ, Producer, Inspirational Catchphrases

Best Song

  • Trump:
    • “Donald Trump” -Mac Miller
  • DJ Khaled:
    • “All I do is Win” -DJ Khaled Feat. Ludacris, Rick Ross, Snoop Dog, T-Pain

Potential Vice President

  • Trump:
    • Scott Brown, Chris Christie, Mick Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Ben Carson
  • DJ Khaled: 
    • Benjamin Kapelushnik (aka “Ben”) Chef Dee, Puff Daddy, Rick Ross

Famous Quotes:

  • Trump: 
    • “An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fraud.”
    • “I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.” 

    • “It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!”

    • “You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.”
    • “Make America great again!”
  • DJ Khaled: 
    • “Anotha one.”
    • “Bless up.”
    • “We the Best.”
    • “They don’t want us to eat breakfast/exercise/be successful.”
    • “Ride ‘wit’ me on the journey of more success.”
    • “Congratulations, you played yourself.”
    • “If you have a friend that is turning into ‘they,’ tell them to go jump into the ocean. Cleanse themselves.” (~Personal favorite~)

First off, you’re not going to find many folks in the entire world that are richer than Donald Trump. I’m not too keen on giving Trump a lot of credit, but no one can deny that he is one of the great businessmen in the world (despite some glaring pitfalls) so it’s hard to compete with that.

It’s worth mentioning that Khaled had a bit of a money crisis in 2013, when he had only a conservative $4 million to his name, that would shoot up $12 million in the next two years, as the man has practically reinvented himself.

While Trump continues to divide a nation with every word, you can argue that DJ Khaled has turned himself into one of the most likable, and marketable brands in the country. His popularity on Snapchat is second to none. His words and phrases have taken over every day conversation. It’s pretty obvious when he is promoting a brand (i.e., Apple Ciroc) yet it still seems as if this is truly who he is.

Who rocks an olive suede jumpsuit, half-zipped, with 10 gold chains, rings and bracelets on Ellen?

That’s “Mogul talk.”

Now for a few closing questions…

Would {Insert candidate} be a good role model for the country?

If you’re the type of person that is seeking to become a billionaire in real estate development, even if it means making a nation’s worth of enemies along the way, Trump is probably your guy. That also means you’re cool with promoting violence when someone disagrees with you, think it’s a good idea to have a special database strictly for Muslim-Americans, and have these type of disgusting views about women. 

Meanwhile DJ Khaled is over in South Beach showing his young mogul Ben the ropes of big business, is also on a #22DaysOfNutrition bender where his Snapchat followers watch him work out, whether it be with his personal trainer, or via #ElipiticalTalk, as well as he continues his journey on his new vegan lifestyle.

Advantage: DJ Khaled

Views on the environment?

So there’s that. PLUS he said in 2011 that he has a “great environmental record” when he has stated during his campaign in October that he wants to cut funding towards the EPA, saying, “What they do is a disgrace.”

Update in South Beach:

Your local florist doesn’t have as much love and enthusiasm for plants like DJ Khaled does. According to his snap stories, he wakes up, has breakfast and then hits the garden before tackling the rest of his daily festivities.

We haven’t seen a candidate personally invest this much into the environment since Al Gore, and even he doesn’t have the influence Khaled has. All of a sudden, the younger generations are outside watering and taking are of their plants this spring and putting it on their snap stories.

Why?

Because DJ Khaled says it’s the key to more success.

Advantage: DJ Khaled

Are you a man of the people?

Maybe the most important question of all, that frankly we don’t ask our candidates enough. If you’re going to be the leader of the free world, you better represent us well.

For Trump, wherever the man goes, frankly, nothing good follows. Violence at rallies, racist and sexist remarks, his campaign manager recently was tagged with a controversial battery charge, the list goes on.

Isn’t a president’s job to unite people, not divide them? These primaries have been smothered in negativity from the start, no matter the candidate.

We need someone for the people, by the people.